It's A Wonderful Life

Saturday night all alone, the hubby is at work earning some extra pennies for our four week tour of Europe were planning for April. So I am putting my feet up will be FINALLY watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' after years of wanting to watch it. There's so many classic movies that I've never seen that everybody else has so I'm glad to be taking one off my list. Plus it'll put me in the festive mood. I bought festive chocolates today so I'm going to try to distract myself away from the chocolates by knitting! Film finishes at 11.30 then I'll go and pick up the hubby. Perfect timing!

2½ weeks till a new year begins..

...and boy am I going to be glad to see the back of this one. Not that I believe you have to wait until the new year to restart your life but after the year I've had it'll be nice to draw the line under it.

flooding, burglary and health issues

Yep those three reasons have made it overall a pretty rubbish year. The only positives I can take is that I learnt how little possessions mean to me. Doesn't mean that I'm not still gutted that the only place that I had my New York photos was on the stolen laptop. Still they can't steal memories.

Flooding destroyed my living room. Guess that taught me how sweet home is for me!

Health has been affected due to hypothyroidism


Now that I'm feeling better maybe the effects of that were a major part in my procrastinating ways?

The positives from this year

I like to leave things on a positive note so very briefly here's the good stuff to take from this year:

holidays; fun, enjoyable, new places and with New York - life changing
career; I have a new focus
health; I have a diagnosis for my problems
nights out; new friends, old friends, old acquaintances, enjoyed time with them all
volunteering; fun, new skills, good experience, feels good
family; closer than ever, appreciate them (particularly in a crisis!)
marriage; happy, close, supportive, loving
home; redecorated after flood though still need to finish that damn kitchen!
experiences; paul mccartney live=amazing, roller disco-ing, horse races, travelling alone, navigating london alone, camping. all fun, scary and new!
and finally at least I can say that my crisis management skills have developed!!

the downside to being a reforming procrastinator

Yep that title is correct - the downside. There are obviously so many benefits; actually getting things done, feeling alive but for me there has been a downside. I have recently been diagnosed with underactive thyroid or hypothyroidism.

Hypothyroidism usually develops gradually. The symptoms are mild, and you may not even notice them at first. This is called subclinical hypothyroidism.

Hypothyroidism causes a general slowing down of your body's functions. Some of the symptoms include:

feeling tired and sleeping a lot
feeling the cold easily
dry and/or pale skin
coarse, thinning hair and brittle nails
sore muscles, slow movements and weakness
a hoarse or croaky voice
a change in facial expression
depression
problems with memory and concentration
weight gain
constipation
fertility problems and increased risk of miscarriage
heavy, irregular or prolonged menstrual periods
a slow heart rate

Reforming my procrastinating ways has helped ease some of these symptoms, I've been forcing myself to carry on seeing friends and going out so I think this has prevented me from being depressed. However, it has also made me extremely tired. Constantly forcing myself to keep going has made me become exhausted over time and for the last week I have had to take a week off work to recharge my batteries.

Before I was off work, I spoke to a thyroid specialist who advised me that it could take a year for me to be on the right dosage of medication to actually feel normal again. This news completely stopped me and has made me unable to force myself into work and to carry on with my life. I think the problem was that I am an eternal optimist (not usually described as a problem I know!) but because of this I have managed to plough through the hard times when I have been exhausted as long as I have some point in the future to focus on (as in a doctors or hospital appointment). I managed to carry on for a month or so focussing on this appointment with the specialist, optimistic that he would say something that would improve my situation. Faced with the fact that it might be a while until I felt better I really didn't know how to handle it.

I started the week feeling really miserable (probably a result of my crushed optimism) and crying sporadically for no reason. While relaxing I've thrown myself into things that I can do whilst resting such as my knitting and researching my family tree. These are projects I've been trying to do for a while so I'm glad to have had the time to concentrate on these projects albiet not in the best of circumstances.

After a week on sick leave I've finally managed to finish knitting my cardigan (just need to sew the buttons on), trace my family tree back to 1755, learnt the importance of slowing down once in a while and most importantly got my optimism back!

3 months later

Well I haven't blogged for 4 months. Ironically my blog about procrastinating became something that I have procrastinated about the most. Three months is a long time so I'm not sure where to begin about what I have been doing.

The main event is having a flood, my bathroom tap was left on while I was at work and it flooded out my living room, destroying my laptop, tv and living room. Obviously, this took up a lot of my time and having no internet connection and no laptop is a big hurdle for blogging! The flood taught me a lot. I couldn't procrastinate with things like cleaning up a flood, dealing with the insurance company and keeping the rest of the house tidy. When it comes to housework I think I'm on the road to procrastinating recovery. It also taught me how unimportant possessions really are, when I discovered the damage to my house I realised within a couple of minutes that nothing was destroyed that couldn't be replaced. Amazingly this made me calm in the crisis. I like to think that it was my new outlook on life that made me feel so calm that day.

In May I spent an amazing weekend in London, I saw Paul McCartney at Hyde Park. Which is definitely a lifelong dream and something I can tick off my bucket list. I was wonderful, it reminded me of my childhood spent listening to my parents Beatles CD's and the hopes and inspirations their music used to give me. I guess seeing Paul McCartney rejuvinated me and reminded me of who I'd wanted to grow up to be as an adult. It inspired me to turn my life around.

With that in mind I returned home, absolutely on cloud nine unable to listen to anything but The Beatles and determined to FINALLY make a decision of what I wanted to do with my life career wise. I've decided that I want to become a social worker working with adults and the elderly. I have to do a two year postgraduate course to become qualified so to get onto the course I've started doing voluntary work with the elderly. I'm loving doing the voluntary work, it makes me feel so alive and excited to have a purpose. It also helps me to get through my mundane week in the office, knowing that I have a goal and eventually a job that I truely love to get to. Albiet in a few years time.

So having had my new laptop and internet connection for the last month, I've been so busy with voluntary work, whilst working full-time that my blog and twitter had to be put on the back burner. I'm guessing though as I'm not procrastinating as much as I used to and now that I have a goal and feel as if I'm really living my life again that I can be forgiven for that!?

a very hectic but very happy week

The last week has been so busy I've felt so alive. I spent a night in Manchester with my husband and a couple of friends. We went to see the comedian Peter Kay and had a few drinks and lots of laughs. I spent two days at work wishing I wasn't there and then it was Bank Holiday weekend. On Saturday I finished work at 2pm and felt a little bit unhappy that I had the next couple of days completely planned out. There was so much I wanted to do around the house but was going to be away from it for two days.

Instead of canceling my plans or being miserable or putting off the jobs that I wanted to, I did something completely different. On Saturday I got in from work and started on sorting out the wardrobe in my bedroom (we've lived in our house nearly three years and haven't seen the back of the wardrobe since then - there was even an unpacked box at the back!) I spent a couple of hours sorting that out and felt so good about myself. That wardrobe is definitely one of the symbols of my procrastinating past and it is a job that I've wrote on countless lists but never crossed it off! It feels like such an achievement to have finally sorted it, especially as I did it after a days work on a weekend that was planned to be hectic. Usually I would have sat and watched the tv. It feels like a major step in the right direction.

Saturday night me and my husband cooked a Chinese together and had a lovely meal. On Sunday morning I picked up my best friend and we went for a spa day. We drove to the hotel, singing along to the radio all the way. We had a wonderful days relaxation in the spa and had a beautiful meal at the hotel, drinking wine and chatting. Monday morning we got up and drove home. I was at home for about half an hour before leaving again to go to a bbq for my brothers birthday. I was there all day and laughed lots with my family. All in all a very good weekend.

Today I've also got the day off work, fortunately I haven't had a hangover so I've caught up with housework, done lots of gardening, done my washing and have now got the afternoon to relax. I've felt so alive being so busy, like I'm truly living. Now I've got the day in the house though I've realised the importance of taking things slower as well not just full steam ahead all the time. Today's one of those slower days that rejuvenates you and makes you reflect on your busier days. It also makes me enjoy the simpler things in life.

I think I'm almost at the point of having the right balance. Being too busy can burn you out and taking things too slow means things never get done. I've realised that the key to being happy is striking the right balance between the two and that's what I intend to stick to from now on.

look for the rainbow

When I started this blog I had so many things that I wanted to change, so much in my life that I felt was wrong. I gave myself rules to live by. I was wrong. Implementing rules doesn't make you live more it makes you feel less free. I needed a change in my mindset, I needed a happier, more positive outlook. I am still determined to stop my procrastinating ways, but I am now more determined to finish the things I start without following rules.

Last week I was walking home from the town centre with heavy bags. It was a horrible gloomy day and it had been raining for hours. My boots were soaked through and soggy. I was in such a bad mood, stomping home with my head down. I realised after a few minutes that it was sunny although it was raining so as I walked I looked around past the buildings for a rainbow. I saw a glimpse of it between two quite high buildings. It's funny how something as simple as that can make you smile and lift your mood.

I decided on that walk home to use it throughout life. From now on when I'm having a bad day or in a bad mood or when things are going wrong I think to myself to 'look for the rainbow'. It's amazing how looking for a positive in bad situations or for something beautiful to focus on can change your whole outlook. It's only been a week but I've felt more positive and have felt more free. For now I'm dropping my commandments and looking for rainbows instead!

a look back

Five years ago (to the month) I split up with my ex-boyfriend, he cheated on many occasions, was controlling, mentally abusive and convinced me that he had made me who I was. I had been so trapped in this relationship where he had almost been the only person in my life for 18 months that when I found a home movie of him with another girl a small part of me was relieved. It was also one of the most devastating events of my life.

Within I few months I was back at my parents house, back hanging out with friends that I hadn't seen for the best part of 2 years. I needed to get a job, get friends back, reconnect with my family and figure out who I was and where I had gone wrong to end up in the situation I had. I also didn't have a clue about my likes and dislikes. When I had been with my ex everything had been TV programs WE liked, music WE liked, films WE liked, restaurants WE liked etc. I had to figure out which of these things I actually liked. Which of these things were part of me and which weren't.

My ex had controlled so much of my life. I couldn't see friends or family without his consent, he would make phone calls on my behalf as he said I wasn't competent enough and when I looked for jobs he would pick ones that I could apply for and get the application forms. After that I felt the biggest achievement was getting a full time job for myself, that I had picked, applied for and got through the interview. It was such a buzz to feel that I could do something independently.

Back at my parents house I sunk back into the life that I hadn't led for three years. With old friends and old haunts. Eventually after getting a new job I realised that although I was in the same place I wasn't the same person and I moved on making new friends and a new life. The year after that was probably one of the happiest of my lives and the friends I made then are still my closest friends.

The experience with my ex was so horrible that I was for a while in danger of becoming an extremely bitter woman and was very aware that I did not want to go through that again. I had become a shell of a person after being in that relationship and it scared me to go back to feeling that way. After time I started to get more confidence and created my new life, I also started dating my husband, taking it very slowly for about a year until I had put back together the broken pieces of my heart and I was ready to be in a proper relationship.

Since then life has kind of took over. Me and my husband moved in together, got steady jobs that we didn't enjoy but that paid the bills, we planned our wedding and got married, bought a house and improved it. During that time we began living for our holidays, to be fair we do go away about five times a year but in between we just exist. We go to work, have occasional nights out and spend evenings watching TV.

I guess over the last three years life got in the way and I coasted through which got me down. I have forgotten over the years how amazing I can be and lost touch with that side of me. Now Ive realised that I am still that person that my friends were amazed by and proud of for getting my life together. The only difference is I am now older, wiser, more confident with a better idea of who I am and a larger, much better wardrobe!