Five years ago (to the month) I split up with my ex-boyfriend, he cheated on many occasions, was controlling, mentally abusive and convinced me that he had made me who I was. I had been so trapped in this relationship where he had almost been the only person in my life for 18 months that when I found a home movie of him with another girl a small part of me was relieved. It was also one of the most devastating events of my life.
Within I few months I was back at my parents house, back hanging out with friends that I hadn't seen for the best part of 2 years. I needed to get a job, get friends back, reconnect with my family and figure out who I was and where I had gone wrong to end up in the situation I had. I also didn't have a clue about my likes and dislikes. When I had been with my ex everything had been TV programs WE liked, music WE liked, films WE liked, restaurants WE liked etc. I had to figure out which of these things I actually liked. Which of these things were part of me and which weren't.
My ex had controlled so much of my life. I couldn't see friends or family without his consent, he would make phone calls on my behalf as he said I wasn't competent enough and when I looked for jobs he would pick ones that I could apply for and get the application forms. After that I felt the biggest achievement was getting a full time job for myself, that I had picked, applied for and got through the interview. It was such a buzz to feel that I could do something independently.
Back at my parents house I sunk back into the life that I hadn't led for three years. With old friends and old haunts. Eventually after getting a new job I realised that although I was in the same place I wasn't the same person and I moved on making new friends and a new life. The year after that was probably one of the happiest of my lives and the friends I made then are still my closest friends.
The experience with my ex was so horrible that I was for a while in danger of becoming an extremely bitter woman and was very aware that I did not want to go through that again. I had become a shell of a person after being in that relationship and it scared me to go back to feeling that way. After time I started to get more confidence and created my new life, I also started dating my husband, taking it very slowly for about a year until I had put back together the broken pieces of my heart and I was ready to be in a proper relationship.
Since then life has kind of took over. Me and my husband moved in together, got steady jobs that we didn't enjoy but that paid the bills, we planned our wedding and got married, bought a house and improved it. During that time we began living for our holidays, to be fair we do go away about five times a year but in between we just exist. We go to work, have occasional nights out and spend evenings watching TV.
I guess over the last three years life got in the way and I coasted through which got me down. I have forgotten over the years how amazing I can be and lost touch with that side of me. Now Ive realised that I am still that person that my friends were amazed by and proud of for getting my life together. The only difference is I am now older, wiser, more confident with a better idea of who I am and a larger, much better wardrobe!
Sunday 28 March 2010
Wednesday 24 March 2010
My 11 commandments
So. How am I going to keep this promise???
It's not going to be some massive programme to follow and I'm not going to do like the 'Yes Man' film and start saying 'yes' to everything (how would I be living more by doing things I don't want to?) it's just going to be small steps for now.
1) Make more time - I have 2 ways of achieving this the first is forcing myself to get up an hour earlier each day which will give me time to do essential but mundane tasks freeing up time for later and the second is deleting soaps off my series link on sky plus, delete Eastenders = 2 extra hours a week. Lots more time to live my life
2)Plan more quality time with friends. Before New York I was stuck in a rut and organising anything felt like a chore this has got to change
3)Finish projects I start - I have a half arsed attempt at a vegetable patch, a cardigan I'm knitting, new kitchen units but am desperately in need of new walls, tiles and flooring and a novel that I've just started but this time I WILL finish.
4) Get out more, whether it's a walk in the park, a cinema trip, visit to see friends or a meal out. I have spent far too many nights sat watching TV, vegetating in front of the sofa, nothing drains the life out of you more. Which leads to number 5...
5) Have a TV free night once a week
6) Try new things, variety is the spice of life and too often I get comfortable and don't get out of my comfort zone. Even if I don't enjoy things at least I've tried it!
7) If in doubt say 'yes' this isn't to everything but when I'm tired and can't be bothered to go out or do something, or I'm letting the amount of money that I am trying to save each month dictate my social life, just say yes to the idea!!
8) Stop writing unachievable lists. For as long as I can remember I've written long lists of EVERY little thing that needs doing around the house and in my life. The lists are so long they never get completed and if they do it takes months. This is disheartening and stresses me out. From now on my lists will be things that need doing right now and will be fortnightly (or maybe monthly - I'm a listaholic it's a hard pattern to break)
9) Do the things I've always wanted to be never get time. This list includes, reading, learning a language and setting up a twitter account
10)Pack more in. Usually if I'm out on a Saturday night the Sunday is written off as a 'hangover day' watching TV and feeling sorry for myself and if I've arranged something for the Saturday night I won't plan anything for the Saturday afternoon. There is no reason for this I am young enough to still burn the candle at both ends, albeit not every day!
11) If something needs doing - do it!!! I've procrastinated my whole life everything from looking at career options to cleaning to reading to writing to socialising and this absolutely has to stop. RIGHT NOW!!
So these are the commandments I am going to attempt to stick to so that I am doing more, seeing more and living more. I don't think it'll be easy to break the habit of a life time but writing this will help. So now I'm off to do commandment 11, 10 and 2. I'm going to unpack my case from New York (I've been in the house 5 hours and it's half done - usually the case sits in the spare bedroom for weeks so this is an improvement) and then text my best friend to arrange something for the weekend, we're going for a Chinese and Champagne bar night with another couple on Saturday so again this is an improvement.
Wish me luck!!
It's not going to be some massive programme to follow and I'm not going to do like the 'Yes Man' film and start saying 'yes' to everything (how would I be living more by doing things I don't want to?) it's just going to be small steps for now.
1) Make more time - I have 2 ways of achieving this the first is forcing myself to get up an hour earlier each day which will give me time to do essential but mundane tasks freeing up time for later and the second is deleting soaps off my series link on sky plus, delete Eastenders = 2 extra hours a week. Lots more time to live my life
2)Plan more quality time with friends. Before New York I was stuck in a rut and organising anything felt like a chore this has got to change
3)Finish projects I start - I have a half arsed attempt at a vegetable patch, a cardigan I'm knitting, new kitchen units but am desperately in need of new walls, tiles and flooring and a novel that I've just started but this time I WILL finish.
4) Get out more, whether it's a walk in the park, a cinema trip, visit to see friends or a meal out. I have spent far too many nights sat watching TV, vegetating in front of the sofa, nothing drains the life out of you more. Which leads to number 5...
5) Have a TV free night once a week
6) Try new things, variety is the spice of life and too often I get comfortable and don't get out of my comfort zone. Even if I don't enjoy things at least I've tried it!
7) If in doubt say 'yes' this isn't to everything but when I'm tired and can't be bothered to go out or do something, or I'm letting the amount of money that I am trying to save each month dictate my social life, just say yes to the idea!!
8) Stop writing unachievable lists. For as long as I can remember I've written long lists of EVERY little thing that needs doing around the house and in my life. The lists are so long they never get completed and if they do it takes months. This is disheartening and stresses me out. From now on my lists will be things that need doing right now and will be fortnightly (or maybe monthly - I'm a listaholic it's a hard pattern to break)
9) Do the things I've always wanted to be never get time. This list includes, reading, learning a language and setting up a twitter account
10)Pack more in. Usually if I'm out on a Saturday night the Sunday is written off as a 'hangover day' watching TV and feeling sorry for myself and if I've arranged something for the Saturday night I won't plan anything for the Saturday afternoon. There is no reason for this I am young enough to still burn the candle at both ends, albeit not every day!
11) If something needs doing - do it!!! I've procrastinated my whole life everything from looking at career options to cleaning to reading to writing to socialising and this absolutely has to stop. RIGHT NOW!!
So these are the commandments I am going to attempt to stick to so that I am doing more, seeing more and living more. I don't think it'll be easy to break the habit of a life time but writing this will help. So now I'm off to do commandment 11, 10 and 2. I'm going to unpack my case from New York (I've been in the house 5 hours and it's half done - usually the case sits in the spare bedroom for weeks so this is an improvement) and then text my best friend to arrange something for the weekend, we're going for a Chinese and Champagne bar night with another couple on Saturday so again this is an improvement.
Wish me luck!!
an epiphany of sorts
March 2010 changed my life. I went to New York for a week with my husband and the trip itself changed my outlook on life. New York made me realise that I had simply been drifting in life with no real aims and ambitions, just the vague idea that I wanted to write. I have had ideas for about three or four novels none of which have got beyond the first few chapters. New York inspired me to follow the dream that I have dreamed about for the last twenty years but never actually followed.
On the way to the airport I wanted to jump out of the cab and leave my life behind. I was dreading going back to my life. In the last few months I have been depressed for numerous reasons and I hated the idea of returning to the way I had previously felt. It was such a strong compulsion to get out the cab and move to new York that when we hit the worse turbulence I have ever experienced I convinced myself that that compulsion to run away from my life had actually been intuition that the plane was going to crash and that we were all doomed.
I have worked in various admin roles since leaving university nearly five years ago and always planned it to be a stop gap until I worked out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Nearly five years and many half baked ideas later and I'm still not 100% sure. If I had of died on that flight all I would have had to show for 25 years on this Earth would be the fact that I lived an ordinary life but had extraordinary thoughts and ideas. Oh and a half finished kitchen in my house. The time has come to create something a little more substantial than that.
As I sat on the plane, convinced my time was about to come to an end, cursing myself for not following my intuition and staying in New York simply because I was too afraid to do something spontaneous I began to pray for the first time since 1996. (The last time I prayed was after extra time in the Euro 96 semi-final when England played Germany, I prayed for England to win and told God that if they didn't I would never believe in him again - I'm a very stubborn person so I was a staunch atheist for the next 14 years) My prayer was as follows;
'Dear God
Please land this plane safely in Amsterdam and I will make something of myself, I will start living my life [instead of just existing] and I will appreciate every single day'
I think I sat repeating this over and over in my head for about 15 minutes. I'm not saying that's the reason why we landed safely but it was a promise that I made that I intend to stick to. As even if there is no God (I'm still a cynic) that prayer or promise was a comfort to me at that time and it's the wake up call I so badly needed.
On the way to the airport I wanted to jump out of the cab and leave my life behind. I was dreading going back to my life. In the last few months I have been depressed for numerous reasons and I hated the idea of returning to the way I had previously felt. It was such a strong compulsion to get out the cab and move to new York that when we hit the worse turbulence I have ever experienced I convinced myself that that compulsion to run away from my life had actually been intuition that the plane was going to crash and that we were all doomed.
I have worked in various admin roles since leaving university nearly five years ago and always planned it to be a stop gap until I worked out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Nearly five years and many half baked ideas later and I'm still not 100% sure. If I had of died on that flight all I would have had to show for 25 years on this Earth would be the fact that I lived an ordinary life but had extraordinary thoughts and ideas. Oh and a half finished kitchen in my house. The time has come to create something a little more substantial than that.
As I sat on the plane, convinced my time was about to come to an end, cursing myself for not following my intuition and staying in New York simply because I was too afraid to do something spontaneous I began to pray for the first time since 1996. (The last time I prayed was after extra time in the Euro 96 semi-final when England played Germany, I prayed for England to win and told God that if they didn't I would never believe in him again - I'm a very stubborn person so I was a staunch atheist for the next 14 years) My prayer was as follows;
'Dear God
Please land this plane safely in Amsterdam and I will make something of myself, I will start living my life [instead of just existing] and I will appreciate every single day'
I think I sat repeating this over and over in my head for about 15 minutes. I'm not saying that's the reason why we landed safely but it was a promise that I made that I intend to stick to. As even if there is no God (I'm still a cynic) that prayer or promise was a comfort to me at that time and it's the wake up call I so badly needed.
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